Tag Archives: bad behavior

Not so criminal.

The security alarm began blaring as I sifted through a bin filled with mildly abused apples at the local Safeway. The security guard was barely fazed as he walked slowly toward the emergency exit door left slightly ajar.

“Happens all the time,” he mumbled, pulling the door closed and deactivating the alarm.

Everyone in the produce department went on about their business—ruffling lettuce leaves, massaging grapefruit and plucking stray bananas from their bundled bunches

Fairly certain no one was going chase the perpetrator down the street, I made my way toward the express lane. The checker offered a mostly genuine, “howya doing?”

“Big heist today?” I said, nodding toward the emergency exit.

“Pardon?” she replied.

“The alarm? Someone ran off with a bunch of stuff,” I explained.

Punching in the code for abused apples, she responded with a slight smile, “I don’t even hear that thing anymore…it happens so often, I just block it out.”

The notion of people having to steal food made me feel rotten. But the fact that no one at the store seems to strictly enforce the rules left me wondering if there might be more empathy out in the world than I’d originally thought.

The jury’s still out on that one.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Around the bend.

Little kids crack me up. Sometimes I even admire their unruly, uncontrolled behavior. When they’re uncomfortable, they let the world know with a wail. When they don’t want to go somewhere, they drop to the ground. Best of all, when they’re happy they show it.

Adults on the other hand, seem to adopt a tired complacent approach to life as they get older. Strapped by bills, routines and a perpetual cycle of compromise, we generally fall in line and try to act professional. It’s a consequence of growing up and pretending we enjoy putting up with other people’s shit. It’s how we get by.

The craziest part of living a calm, obedient existence is that no matter how careful you are there’s no way to know what’s coming next. Ambitious employees get fired. Good drivers get run off the road. Healthy, cautious people slip and fall on the stairs trying to take out the trash. Life is an unpredictable mess of coincidence and circumstance.

So as a very nutty 2016 draws to a close, I’m pushing for more tenacity in 2017. I’m not suggesting adults act like children, I’m simply suggesting a more honest approach to the universe. Laugh until beer comes out your nose. Eat leftover pork ribs for breakfast. Stand on the back porch in your underwear and play fetch with the dog if you feel like it. Less faking and more fucking. Or whatever you’re into. After all—as long as no one gets hurt—a little misbehaving could be good for you.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Be mine.

There’s a big old car auction coming to town and for some completely irrational reason I want to go. I lie to anyone who asks and claim it’s just because I’m curious. However, the fact of the matter is a lot of the inventory has no reserve and I have this silly notion that something may appear on the sales floor that I need to have parked in my driveway.

See for yourself—even non-car fanatics could find something on this line list that would get their heart pumping. To make the situation even worse, I actually had an opportunity to see a couple of the cars being delivered to the back door of the local expo center. There’s no logical explanation for this madness—especially for a guy who rides a bike to work most days. Is it similar to drug addiction? Maybe an obsessive fine art collector? I can’t say for sure, but I must confess I had a dream last night about the ’60 Chevy pictured below.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,